Boundaries [set/respect]

So many women I meet in coaching tell me that they struggle to say No. They find it hard to set, and then respect, their own boundaries. And as a consequence, others fail to appreciate their limits too.

Getting good at setting boundaries takes a bit of time and practice but it is definitely do-able.

Here’s how.

+ Notice When it Happens

Start keeping track of when you most find it hard to stick to your own boundaries. Some people notice that it’s in relation to certain people or certain types of people. Others realise that it’s when they’re tired or under pressure. Keep notes [maybe on your phone, if you have it with you most of the time] and after a week or a month look back and notice patterns.

+ Understand Why it Happens

Once you’re clear on when you struggle to enforce your own boundaries, turn your attention to why it happens. Notice what is happening for you emotionally in the moments you say Yes instead of No. Get clear on what drives you to prioritise others at your own expense.

You might find [as many of the women I work with do] that the motivation is a desire to feel liked or respected.

+ Work Out What to Do About It

When you’ve worked out When and Why, the next obvious step is what to do about it.

Ask yourself:

• What are my boundaries? [ie where do I want to draw the line?]
• How can I say No and also make sure I satisfy my emotional needs? [Funnily enough, a respectful No often elicits more respect than a never-ending Yes ever will].

+Do Those Things

Practice [out loud – go on!] expressing No in a way that will actually work for you.

• Maybe a casual phrase like: unfortunately I won’t be able to help but it sounds great!
• Or a set of words that buys you time to respond, without pressure: thank you so much for asking me, let me have a think and get back to you by the end of the day.
• Or an email one-liner to decline requests: while I appreciate you thinking of me for this, I won’t be able to offer my help.

Then put them out into the world.

Get really good at setting your own boundaries and then respecting them, so that others will too.

Tags: life-coaching, Melbourne