How to set boundaries

Is there someone in your life who regularly over-steps your boundaries?

[For the record here: I’m talking simple but infuriating regular, run-of-the-mill limit-contempt. I’m not talking much more serious, possibly criminal, violations. Those absolutely warrant attention, from a different type of professional. Please, please ask for help.]

Maybe people in your life are constantly dropping in on you at home, unannounced. Or they expect you to look after their kids. Or they assume you have capacity to take on new work. Or they volunteer you for extra activities. Or they share the personal stuff you tell them without consent. Or they make unhelpful comments on your choices. Or they talk over you in meetings. Or they burden you with their problems, without ever asking how you are.

Boundary transgression can take countless forms. However it looks, it can be ridiculously hard to set limits on their behaviour, then communicate and enforce your expectations.

Here are some ideas that might help:

+ Identify Who

When clients speak to me about others over-stepping their boundaries, they usually have a very specific person or collection of people in mind. It can be helpful to work out who the person is or what the common thread between the people looks like.

+ Identify When

Again, disrespecting of boundaries often happens in very specific sets of circumstances. Do your best to get clear on when it happens – you might find it helpful to keep a diary on it or map the experiences, for a little while.

+ Identify Why

While you’re at it, why not get curious about what is happening in those moments of disrespect.

What is it about the situation that is making it hard for you to assert yourself and advocate for your needs? And if you feel like you want to consider their experience: what challenges / fears / perceived unmet needs might be driving their transgressions?

+ Work out what do you want

The next step is to work out what you actually want in those moments. Write it down!

Do you want them to call before they drop in? Stop expecting free childcare? Ask about your capacity before handing over more work? Request permission before signing you up? Seek your consent before sharing your stories? Stop commenting on your choices? Wait till you’ve finished speaking before adding their thoughts? Balance their sharing with some caring?

+ Work Out what needs to happen

And then you can determine what needs to happen in order to effect the changes you’re after. It will most likely involve communication on your part.

Hmmm…see below…

+ Work out what you’re willing to do

And this here, my friends, is where business gets real.

If you want their behaviour to change and you know that shift will require you to initiate a conversation but in all honesty, you’re not willing to go through the potential discomfort of having that awkward experience, then you are keeping yourself in limbo.

You’re keeping yourself in that childish position of raging but not taking responsibility.

Either accept the way things are or do something about it. But don’t sit there complaining and yet not being willing to do what it takes to make it different. Act or disengage.

+ Act

If you decide that your choice is to act, then it can be helpful to prepare for the conversation:

• Work out what you want to say
• Write it down
• Practice it, out loud
• Set a date to meet

And finally? Have something really amazing to look forward to afterwards.

Tags: career-coaching, life-coaching, Melbourne