Who even am I?

Who even am I? It’s a question I often hear in coaching:

• From women who have poured energy into a career and are now unable to identify a self separate to work;
• From women who have spent time raising kids and feel they don’t see the person they once were or recognise the person they’ve become;
• From women who have understood themselves, for a very long time, in relation to someone else [often a parent or partner] and now realise that they aren’t sure who they are separate from that other;
• From women who regularly engage with questions of identity and still, find themselves wondering.

Knowing who you are is incredibly grounding. It offers true confidence and a feeling of calm. It delivers a sense of being ok in the world, regardless of what is happening around you.

And the good news? It’s available to everyone. Here are some ideas on how to get to know yourself a bit better.

Space: It is almost impossible to get to know yourself better when your daily life is hyper-scheduled and filled with noise and pressure. Creating blank space is essential: go for a walk in nature, with no music or podcasts or conversation; lie on your bed for five minutes, doing nothing; sit on a bench at lunch-time, put your phone down and watch the world go by; drive to school pick-up 10 minutes early, park and sit in the car with just your thoughts.

Values: An important part of knowing yourself is being clear on your own understanding of a life well lived. So have a think and take a few notes: if you were 105 and dying and you knew, without a doubt that you had lived life well, what would tell you that?

Opinions: Having opinions on what is happening in the world can help build your internal understanding. So engage in the world in a way you don’t normally – listen to different podcasts, read different articles, pick up different books, watch different documentaries. Then consider your own stance on the questions those materials raise.

Strengths: In knowing yourself, it’s important to recognise your strengths – the dispositional qualities that you find come most naturally. These can be difficult to recognise in yourself, especially if the language of strengths is one that is new to you. You might like to try this survey, to gain some insight.

Talents: In getting to know yourself, it is really helpful to get clear on the things you do well. Again, these can be hard to see in yourself. So why not ask other people? Do make sure you carefully pick the people you ask and give them some context. You could say something like: I read an article about getting to know yourself and I thought I’d give it a try. I wonder if you could help me with identifying a few things that I’m really good at?

People: Getting clear on the people you want to surround yourself with can be self-illuminating. So make a list of the people that you feel your very best around. Then make a note beside each of one thing you could do this week, to invite more of them into your days.

Joy: Staying focused on what brings you joy is a gentle way to remind yourself of who you are and what matters to you. Try jotting down the stuff that you could do to bring joy back into your every day. Go from the tiniest thing to the biggest [even if it seems entirely undoable]. And then start doing a couple of those things each week.

Tags: life-coaching, Melbourne